*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
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ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin: