On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
You Might Also Like
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Meowchelangelo
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Same pineapple, same
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know