After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
You Might Also Like
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
White Castle for the Win
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …