gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
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‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no