I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
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Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”