If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
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My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.