*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
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Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms