[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
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I miss getting my misinformation from less places
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.