Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
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I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Every haunted house movie:
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’