Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
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Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”