Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
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dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely