I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
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Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.