“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
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I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!