Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
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I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.