Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
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[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?