Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
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Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
#MeanwhileInCanada
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!