Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
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On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life