*limbos under the caution tape
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I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*