My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
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If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
the pigeons are already plenty salty
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.