4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
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When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.