Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
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Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me