*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
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When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!