[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
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Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met