ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
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Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
That eye roll….
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.