Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
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When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.