When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
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Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I am never leaving this website
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.