harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
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Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Great game to play with friends
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.