8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
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Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”