Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
You Might Also Like
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I created you as mosquito food.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.