interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
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*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.