Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
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JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”