You Might Also Like
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
*puts words between two asterisks*
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath