My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
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Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”