Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
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*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I thought this was funny lol
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]