If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
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My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.