Fluff me with a fork baby
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A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you