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9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.