The first matador
You Might Also Like
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.