[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
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Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Worth the read.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.