It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
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Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]