“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
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Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again