if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
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Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.