He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
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Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
repaired
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.