Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
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Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
when dads have a rap battle
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early