If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
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My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
A dad and his duck
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding