Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
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Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Thank you corporation very cool
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.