Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
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SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Botany good plants lately?
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am