Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
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OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.