Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
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Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Tell me you get it…🤣
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
$3 #books
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”