My body is a temple
for potatoes.
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[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.